booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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