I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
