Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
