the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
