Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
