I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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