Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
