sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
