PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
