speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
