I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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