I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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