he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
