I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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