Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
