Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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