I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
