Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
