She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Randomize
