when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
