I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Randomize
