She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
