Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
