Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Your penis caused this!
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
