My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Randomize
