I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
