at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
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WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
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