I never want to see another naked old woman again.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
