I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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