so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
