So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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