That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
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