He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
