I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
