I wish I could punch you in the face.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
