Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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