This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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