I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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