i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
