just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
i love accidental penises.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
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