I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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