enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
