We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
His hands were made for my vagina.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Randomize
