hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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