can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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