I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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