Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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