I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
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