i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
