so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
